Monday, July 26, 2010
Compass
If you're going through a divorce it's probably not a good idea to whine at your kids about how mean your soon to be ex is when you come over for a visit. Especially when that soon to be ex is standing right there. I promise; it makes you look like the south end of a horse. I mean, how old are we?
Sunday, July 25, 2010
With This Trial Comes Clarity
It's funny how the worst of circumstances can sometimes force you to look inward in ways you'd forgotten you knew how.
Over the last two weeks my marriage came to an end. Well, that's debatable - over the last 24 months at least though my wife now claims it was over from the beginning. Anyway, she finally let on how she really felt about things and bailed. In the meantime, I've been packing her belongings (mostly so she'll be here less time than if she did it herself) and seeing reminders big and small of almost nine years of marriage. As I've packed, I've made mental and physical notes of these reminders so that I can revisit them in a more serene setting a few months from now and see what it was that I had in my marriage (rather than what I thought I had). Some of those reminders leave a far clearer impression in hindsight than they did when they happened or when I first learned of them.
My almost ex-wife lives to recapture a past (and create a future) that only exists in her imagination. Whether it's the bands she was into or the friends and experiences she claims made her free (with chains of irresponsibility, licentiousness, and moral turpitude), she has sporadically but steadfastly held to those experiences as being the 'best time of her life'. Except for when she hasn't and instead lamented them as wasted years of unhappiness and missed opportunities. Which were they? I guess it was up to her to decide and in the end she sided with her natural man. ("I was a FRICKIN AWESOME artist on dope!")
As I sit here among the wreckage I am reminded of my failings along the way. Too intense. Too serious. Too demanding in expecting that we live to a higher standard, even when I sometimes failed myself to reach it. I'm not as judgmental as my wife would insist, but I have always expected the best from those around me when I saw they had the ability to do so, as I have from myself. I don't see it as hypocritical to posit a difference between weakness and willful rebellion. I picture the first being only too common (and forgivable), while the latter is a whole 'nother kettle of fish. My heart still stings at the thought of times in my own life where I chose my path knowing that it was the wrong one. I regularly pray that the Lord will change my heart to prevent me from ever doing it again and my desire for that to be so has grown stronger and become more real over the past several years. I don't get those who race toward those choices as if their lives depended on it. I doubt I ever will.
So what am I left with? A home I will soon lose. A car I pray will make it another few years until I can afford another one. A house full of junk that I can't take with me into the two bedroom apartment I'm afraid I won't be qualified to rent. Friends and family who love me and are praying for me, but who have lives with families, jobs, mortgages, and trials of their own to navigate. And the best for last; two of the most awesome human beings ever to be born. My sons, whom I love with all my heart, and who make every other trial I (think I) have fade in comparison to the love I feel for them.
I know my wife and I made those boys, but God sent them to us. With them came a responsibility that I feel at the core of my being. They were our responsibility. Eventually, they will be in charge of their own lives and choices, but it was up to us to get them there with the best tools possible to ensure they both have success in their endeavors. My wife has come to the point where my presence in her life is more unwelcome than the boys' presence in her every day life is welcome. That's her choice, but I won't give up my duty (or desires) because of it. I never would.
So the boys and I move forward. Our family prayers have taken on a new tone and spirit since mom left. We have work to do and will move forward trusting in the Lord to guide our way. At this point I'm comfortable with that.
Over the last two weeks my marriage came to an end. Well, that's debatable - over the last 24 months at least though my wife now claims it was over from the beginning. Anyway, she finally let on how she really felt about things and bailed. In the meantime, I've been packing her belongings (mostly so she'll be here less time than if she did it herself) and seeing reminders big and small of almost nine years of marriage. As I've packed, I've made mental and physical notes of these reminders so that I can revisit them in a more serene setting a few months from now and see what it was that I had in my marriage (rather than what I thought I had). Some of those reminders leave a far clearer impression in hindsight than they did when they happened or when I first learned of them.
My almost ex-wife lives to recapture a past (and create a future) that only exists in her imagination. Whether it's the bands she was into or the friends and experiences she claims made her free (with chains of irresponsibility, licentiousness, and moral turpitude), she has sporadically but steadfastly held to those experiences as being the 'best time of her life'. Except for when she hasn't and instead lamented them as wasted years of unhappiness and missed opportunities. Which were they? I guess it was up to her to decide and in the end she sided with her natural man. ("I was a FRICKIN AWESOME artist on dope!")
As I sit here among the wreckage I am reminded of my failings along the way. Too intense. Too serious. Too demanding in expecting that we live to a higher standard, even when I sometimes failed myself to reach it. I'm not as judgmental as my wife would insist, but I have always expected the best from those around me when I saw they had the ability to do so, as I have from myself. I don't see it as hypocritical to posit a difference between weakness and willful rebellion. I picture the first being only too common (and forgivable), while the latter is a whole 'nother kettle of fish. My heart still stings at the thought of times in my own life where I chose my path knowing that it was the wrong one. I regularly pray that the Lord will change my heart to prevent me from ever doing it again and my desire for that to be so has grown stronger and become more real over the past several years. I don't get those who race toward those choices as if their lives depended on it. I doubt I ever will.
So what am I left with? A home I will soon lose. A car I pray will make it another few years until I can afford another one. A house full of junk that I can't take with me into the two bedroom apartment I'm afraid I won't be qualified to rent. Friends and family who love me and are praying for me, but who have lives with families, jobs, mortgages, and trials of their own to navigate. And the best for last; two of the most awesome human beings ever to be born. My sons, whom I love with all my heart, and who make every other trial I (think I) have fade in comparison to the love I feel for them.
I know my wife and I made those boys, but God sent them to us. With them came a responsibility that I feel at the core of my being. They were our responsibility. Eventually, they will be in charge of their own lives and choices, but it was up to us to get them there with the best tools possible to ensure they both have success in their endeavors. My wife has come to the point where my presence in her life is more unwelcome than the boys' presence in her every day life is welcome. That's her choice, but I won't give up my duty (or desires) because of it. I never would.
So the boys and I move forward. Our family prayers have taken on a new tone and spirit since mom left. We have work to do and will move forward trusting in the Lord to guide our way. At this point I'm comfortable with that.
Saturday, July 10, 2010
The End of the Road
The vicissitudes of life seem to travel the same road as each of us who weakly, haltingly strive to follow our God and Him who He sent, that we might live. The pain that comes from revisiting past mistakes is no less searing when those sins are fiercely owned by one whom we love.
Can the love professed by one so unfaithful be sincere? I am struggling because I don't believe it can, yet she says otherwise. Even as she fills her sack with clothing and bids her sons goodbye, in the hopes that she may 'find herself', and with it the happiness she has refused to see that was available in our home all along. A home she can't stand to be a part of now.
One might ask; can two struggling, imperfect souls ever find happiness in striving and stumbling day in and day out to build a life together? I would answer that's the only way they ever can. She doesn't believe me, and says she never really has.
Our younger son cried after his mother left the house tonight. The older one looked forward, intently focusing on the computer even as I tried to hug and comfort him, his voice measured, but tremulous nonetheless. I fear for him because, slightly, he has his mother's habit of shutting down emotionally when the world closes in around him. He's a lovely, intelligent, and sensitive child. I never really understood a parent's love until I held him in my arms...
Later in the evening the boys chased me down the upstairs hallway as I fought to put them to bed. As I changed a diaper the younger one kept reaching out to stab me with his little sausage fingers and they kept hitting their normally non-ticklish mark with great effectiveness (all with his diaper undone and other bits threatening to add to the fun). The older boy joined in and we laughed heartily and smiled even in our eyes as we got ready for bed. They're up there now, asleep in the room where my wife should be. I'll join them soon but before I do I'll be stopping on my knees for a few minutes to thank a loving Heavenly Father for showing me, even if only for a few minutes, that my family will get through this whether she ever comes home or not.
Can the love professed by one so unfaithful be sincere? I am struggling because I don't believe it can, yet she says otherwise. Even as she fills her sack with clothing and bids her sons goodbye, in the hopes that she may 'find herself', and with it the happiness she has refused to see that was available in our home all along. A home she can't stand to be a part of now.
One might ask; can two struggling, imperfect souls ever find happiness in striving and stumbling day in and day out to build a life together? I would answer that's the only way they ever can. She doesn't believe me, and says she never really has.
Our younger son cried after his mother left the house tonight. The older one looked forward, intently focusing on the computer even as I tried to hug and comfort him, his voice measured, but tremulous nonetheless. I fear for him because, slightly, he has his mother's habit of shutting down emotionally when the world closes in around him. He's a lovely, intelligent, and sensitive child. I never really understood a parent's love until I held him in my arms...
Later in the evening the boys chased me down the upstairs hallway as I fought to put them to bed. As I changed a diaper the younger one kept reaching out to stab me with his little sausage fingers and they kept hitting their normally non-ticklish mark with great effectiveness (all with his diaper undone and other bits threatening to add to the fun). The older boy joined in and we laughed heartily and smiled even in our eyes as we got ready for bed. They're up there now, asleep in the room where my wife should be. I'll join them soon but before I do I'll be stopping on my knees for a few minutes to thank a loving Heavenly Father for showing me, even if only for a few minutes, that my family will get through this whether she ever comes home or not.
Friday, July 9, 2010
Timely Scriptures of the Day
Proverbs 31:10 Who can find a virtuous woman? For her price is far above rubies.
Proverbs 12:4 A virtuous woman is a crown to her husband: but she that maketh ashamed is as rottenness in his bones.
---------------
D & C 42:23 And he that looketh upon a woman to lust after her shall deny the faith, and shall not have the Spirit; and if he repents not he shall be cast out.
D&C 63: 16 And verily I say unto you, as I have said before, he that looketh on a woman to lust after her, or if any shall commit adultery in their hearts, they shall not have the Spirit, but shall deny the faith and shall fear.
3 Nephi 12:28 But I say unto you, that whosoever looketh on a woman, to lust after her, hath committed adultery already in his heart.
(I imagine the gender applied in these verses is not exclusive.)
Proverbs 12:4 A virtuous woman is a crown to her husband: but she that maketh ashamed is as rottenness in his bones.
---------------
D & C 42:23 And he that looketh upon a woman to lust after her shall deny the faith, and shall not have the Spirit; and if he repents not he shall be cast out.
D&C 63: 16 And verily I say unto you, as I have said before, he that looketh on a woman to lust after her, or if any shall commit adultery in their hearts, they shall not have the Spirit, but shall deny the faith and shall fear.
3 Nephi 12:28 But I say unto you, that whosoever looketh on a woman, to lust after her, hath committed adultery already in his heart.
(I imagine the gender applied in these verses is not exclusive.)
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