Right Across the Jaw

This isn't a post about theology. I get that much of LDS (Mormon) foundational theology is out of the mainstream of Christianity. I'm comfortable enough in my own beliefs not to be bothered by the idea that somebody might think I'm "not Christian." Quite frankly, my religion is between me and God so I don't really care what anyone else thinks (I don't mean that flippantly, but I claim the same right my neighbors do, to worship according to my conscience). That being said, I gotta say I'm pretty disappointed in whatever number it was that voted for Obama (or didn't vote at all) because of the Mormon thing.

From almost the moment of it's founding, the Mormon church and its members, American citizens, mostly of hearty New England stock, were driven from their homes by violent mobs consisting of their neighbors. They moved from state to state, each new home eventually being taken from them at gun point; tar and feathers, beatings, women raped and children killed or dying from exposure. I'm sure they freaked the neighbors out after a while because they tended to stick together and generally ended up getting ahead no matter where they went. Long story short, my ancestors were eventually thrown out of the United States and ended up walking 1300 miles to a dry, ugly valley filled with sagebrush and not much else. Even the Indians didn't mind that the Mormons wanted it. Hell, the lake was full of salt! Yet they made it such a nice place that people came from all around to live there. Catholics and Jews were accepted with open arms and given the freedom to worship how they saw fit. Women voted earlier in Utah than women in all but one state in the Union, that is, until the U.S. came in, disincorporated the territory and took that right away... And even when they didn't want us, we were proud Americans who celebrated mightily when Utah entered the Union.

Mormons have served honorably in every U.S. war since our founding in 1830, my father among them. He lost plenty of friends in WWII just like your fathers and grandfathers did. Their blood didn't spill any differently than anyone else's. And I'm sorry about Harry Reid but the great majority of us have been reliably Conservative ever since we were told by our leaders to split up and join the two parties (pre statehood we didn't have a multi-party system).

And while there's an ass or two in every group (again, see Harry Reid), I never heard a Mormon say, "I'm not voting for that guy, he's Catholic!" Or evangelical, or Jew. I'm as American as any other citizen in this country, and my love and reverence for our founding fathers lives in the same place in my heart that my religion does.

When my dad first shipped off to the South Pacific he was confronted at mess by a guy twice his size whose only words were, "So, I hear you're one of those sonofabitchin MORMONS." My dad stood up, coldcocked the guy across the jaw and laid him out, while saying, "I AM! What's it to you?" He'd gone in with that plan because he knew it was gonna come up and he figured the only way to stop it was to let everyone know he wasn't anyone's target. And nobody on board ever had any more problems with the Mormon.

So why would I even bring that up, you ask? Because the real world still works that way. Conservatives are glad to be your friend but aren't naive enough to think two verses of Kumbaya will do it when some people just like to see Americans lose. Or die. So here we are, all the way 'round back to my original point, which is this: American patriots who believe this country was founded with the potential to be the best nation that ever existed under the sun are dwindling by the day. For those Americans who claim to be on the right, but who sat on their hands because the candidate wasn't perfect, was a Mormon, or anything else, the next four years are on you. And all the years it will take to fix the sh*t storm that's coming, they're on you too. So sit back and feel smug in your self righteous superiority because you stuck it to the Mormon, the Moderate, or whatever else you decided made him unworthy of your vote. If I had the chance I'd coldcock every one of you.

                                                                    

Once an Idiot...

Over the last year I've gone out of my way to try and play nice with my ex wife. There have been events that would have warranted involving the police or the court, but in my hope of finding détente I've let things slide that could have been used to my advantage in dealing with a hostile and unstable ex. Besides wanting to keep it civil for our sons, I think one of my weaknesses has been that I don't hate my ex and have tried to give her the benefit of the doubt whenever I could. 

Over the last few months our children have become increasingly uncomfortable with spending much if any time with their mother. For two years they've dealt with never knowing if she'd even show for her parent time (Utah's nomenclature for visitation) and if she did, whether they'd be spending the afternoon or weekend with nice mommy, depressed mommy, stressed mommy, or worse. 

Not long after she was too hung over to even bother showing up on Mother's Day our oldest decided he'd had enough and announced he wouldn't visit at all unless I went with him. (He'd stopped doing overnights months before that but was OK going for a two or three hour afternoon visit once every week or two. Not now.) So three or four times over the last two months I've sat across the park or in another booth at McDonald's while the boys hung out with mom for an hour. Twice she threw a tantrum and threatened to leave, saying within earshot of our sons, "If they don't want to see me then I'll just go and try to forget I ever was a mother!" Bloody hell.


So last night I was cleaning up some online stuff and happened across some online posts my ex made that basically described me as Satan and the founder of my church in even worse terms (a church in which she too was raised and professed belief in while we were married). The details don't matter other than to say some of her comments were regarding our boys and how I'm manipulating them into being distant from her. That one's about as self aware as a goldfish, she is...

So I'll leave you to figure out who the idiot is, but I'll mention that it seems a little foolish in hindsight for me to have thought all this time that we could at least work as a team for the benefit of our children. I decided two years ago that I loved my kids more than I disliked my ex and have done my best to act accordingly. It seems she hasn't come to the same conclusion, so I may have to adjust.

And On a Completely Unrelated Topic

Ever since the mid to late 60's the media, intelligentsia, and pop culture zeitgeist has ever increasingly painted men as overbearing, loutish, and threatening to women. As a group we've been described as stalkers, abusers, or just plain predators (and if you think I'm using hyperbole it may be because that's what Gloria Steinem et al. have used to describe us). While some men certainly deserve the rap, most of us don't.

If you wonder why we're less inclined to throw caution to the wind and boldly chase after you, it may be because we never know if we'll be seen in the above described terms when we do. In the real world alcohol often serves to lower those walls by releasing inhibitions and allowing both men and women to revert comfortably to their natural roles of pursuer and pursued. In Mormonland we don't have that luxury (or curse if the beer goggles are in effect) and all guys are left with is talks and articles telling us what louts and wusses we are for not stepping up. But until we get to know you we don't know whether you're the kind of woman who likes the chase or one that will be insulted by it. And some of us are tired of being burned.

So women, if you meet someone in whom you might have an interest you might consider being a little more bold in letting him know it. If he feels the same he'll probably appreciate the heads up and feel more comfortable about initiating his end in the game.

I Fought The Law (well, my attorney did) And I Won

This post is literally two years in the making, but like many stories it wasn't ever going to be worth telling until it was over. And today it ended. What makes this story worthwhile to me is that it entails the dumbest thing I did throughout my divorce, and in the end I was lucky enough to dodge a bullet. I'm right chuffed about that.

If you've ever been divorced or know someone who has, you know that they are nothing if not the ultimate in he said/she said productions. Depending on who you talk to or whose "side" you're on, you might possibly hear a completely different tale than those listening in on the other side. It's not that big of a deal, except that sometimes a person in that circumstance can get a little desperate if they feel like they're about to get crushed by the narrative.

Two years ago in August I was in that exact predicament. My divorce was a longer time coming than I understood at the time. My ex was unhappy for a lot more reasons than she ever let on at the time, but either way let's say some of the ways in which she chose to make her exit weren't exactly above board. For legitimate reasons I don't really care to go into I was aware of a multitude of PM's, emails, and Facebook posts she made at the time (even after being blocked from her feed), and it's fair to say her version of events wasn't quite the way I saw it. I'm fairly sure I do not have Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I know I didn't "torture" her for nine years. I know I was never violent toward her or our kids, nor did I ever threaten her with violence. I wasn't a doormat but I wasn't an ogre either. Suffice it to say anyone who'd ever known me through her might not have believed that based on the multiple tailored versions of "what happened" that she was sharing. And while I wasn't too bothered about what her high school friends from 1987 thought of me, I took offense at her siblings and extended family being led to think that way.

In our July divorce mediation I'd asked for sole legal and physical custody, basing that request on many factors including behaviors, activities, and trajectories that I didn't want displayed for our children. After protesting for about five minutes she agreed, to the literal shock and disbelief of our unsuspecting mediator (who tried to talk her out of it - kind of a no-no in mediation situations). But her communications with me and her correspondence with others gave me the impression that she was considering disregarding our signed agreement and "lawyering up" for a fight (one I was not in a position to afford). With most of her family and many of her friends being primed to describe my shortcomings, I started obsessing about how I might get her hidden "rest of the story" out there. After about two weeks of worrying about it and picturing what would happen in court with her story being spun, I ended up logging (at midnight) into a blog she'd abandoned without bothering to change its login credentials. Years earlier she'd invited me to post what and whenever I wanted, so I wrote four or five posts in which I pasted her own writing describing the various events, opinions, and activities she'd neglected to share with her cohorts. And yes, I gave them the full compliment of my own sarcastic introductions, posting as the "new and improved (ex who won't be named)." It's not like she had more that ten or fifteen people following that blog, but they were the right ones, if you get my drift. And of course, after the glow of having hit enter wore off I thought better of the wisdom I'd displayed in posting such nonsense.

Now remember, this was the middle of the night. I figured OK, I need to delete this crap and get it together... And as I sat down to do so an email from a mutual friend of the ex popped up. It said, "Dude, did she really write all this?" I was mortified. I deleted it all and wrote back with a mea culpa, explaining myself. But in that few minutes my ex had seen it too (it seems she had her blog set up to send an email announcement to her followers whenever she posted a new piece). Oops. I emailed her the next day and apologized, but I guess the damage was done.

And out of the many police reports my ex filed over the seven or eight months following our separation, that one ended up in charges being filed.

A few months after the incident I got a call from a cop who, unlike all the others I spoke to, seemed to be intent on intimidating me (rather than asking to hear my side of the story). After his threatening to arrest me and on the advice of an attorney I was using as a result of other shenanigans my ex had pulled, I declined his invitation to "come in and talk about it." And a year after the incident I found that I had been charged with a class B misdemeanor, "Computer Crimes." Of course the court and/or prosecuting attorney never contacted me. I found out because I started receiving junk mail from criminal defense attorneys and I knew from the ex's previous DUI that that meant I was in the system somewhere, so eventually I got online and looked it up. But you know what? The court never did contact me, serve me, or subpoena me. They just filed a $1000 warrant for my arrest and waited to see if I'd get popped at some point... It's a good thing I don't drive my old Camaro anymore...

Anyway, a month ago I started wondering what had ever happened with that charge (because again, they never told me I was charged) and I sent a note to an attorney friend to ask what I should do. He sent me a note five minutes later saying, "Call Me. Now." That's how I found out about the warrant (six months after it had been filed). So after plopping down a discounted but still substantial (to this poor student) retainer, my friend the attorney became my attorney attorney and he got to work getting the warrant dropped and a court date set, which finally came today.

Long and short of it: He informed the prosecutor that my actions, while technically not nice, didn't really violate the statute under which I was charged. He also told him my ex wasn't at all interested in testifying or pursuing the case (which was true, we're in a workable truce these days), but he thought I might be willing to plead to an infraction level disorderly conduct charge (I think that's what it was... similar in seriousness to a parking ticket). The judge seemed amenable and after informing me of my rights she pronounced sentence, I went downstairs to pay my $90 fine, and went to pick up my boys with no more legal threats hanging over my head.

And while I didn't really enjoy the stress of this stupid episode, and while I know I really shouldn't have posted that stuff, at the end of the day $90 is not a bad price to pay for yet one more ridiculous story about my adventures in the land of crazy which was my marriage and its assorted cast of characters.

The End.

An Unsolicited Piece of Advice

You know those things in life that you just figure most people should instinctively know?  Yeah, that's not always the case.

If you've had certain views your whole life; political, philosophical, religious... whatever. If you've espoused a certain ethic, and if you've built a life with others using that ethic as its foundation, but then come to a point where you decide it's not for you, then cool. I get it. Happens to the worst of us. (Oops, did I just write that out loud? To be honest it happens to the best of us too but I was feeling mean.) Anyway, here's the thing: your new found enlightenment doesn't give you license to ridicule your previously held beliefs or those who still espouse them. Because when you do, you just come across as an even bigger ignoramus than when you were still pretending to live your old beliefs (but were actually sneaking around, doing otherwise).

Your new beliefs don't make you any more clued in than the rest of us, my friend. We're all just trying to get by...

And here's the thing. One of my closest friends in this world went through a realignment of his beliefs a while back and we've spent hours over the last few years talking about it (and even more years discussing our views both positive and questioning of our own religion and a million other things) and we've never done it with contention, a lack of respect, or condescension from either side. It's perfectly acceptable for friends to have differing points of view, even where they once had full agreement. But that's not good enough for some people...

So here's a dollar. Go buy some candy and complain to the bum out in front of 7-11 about how your old religion ruined your life. He might actually be interested in hearing what you have to say.

And yes, I feel better now. :)

Another Day, Another Candle

So I turned 47 last week. My boys woke me with a home made card from the older one (awesome) and lamentations from the younger one, "I can't make you a card because I have a broken arm!" (Equally awesome in its strange humor.) It's amazing how quickly he adapted to playing the sympathy card after he broke his arm falling off the monkey bars last week. We were on our way to have dinner with relatives on Sunday and he said with utter nonchalance, "They're going to feel real sorry for me because I have a broken arm." That one already keeps me on my toes. He'll be five next month.

I can't believe it's been another year. They really are speeding up. The boys and I started our awesome summer a few weeks ago and are gearing up for a trip to Houston soon to see GrandJack and GrandJo, the kids grandparents. We're in for a fireworks show and sailing in Galveston Bay... it's the highlight of the boys' summer every year. The cast comes off two days before we leave. Thank the Lord for tender mercies, 50% of our Texas trip every year involves swimming or water; hard to do with a cast and your arm in a sling.

I'm trying to find a new bass. My band lost its drummer and we're doing a stripped down trio at the moment. Still plugged in but with the emphasis on vocals, harmonies, etc. I may break down and finally buy that Hofner Beatle Bass I always wanted...

And yes, my mind is jumping around like that all the time lately. Things are in flux. Like they haven't been in the past three years? Yeah... I've got my boys and I've got food in the fridge. Not much more but I can't really complain. I could use some more work though. If you know anyone doing a film I know a colorist that can help them out. Just send 'em my way.

Just Because it's Change Does't Always Mean it's Growth (pt. 1)

One sad truth I've learned over the years is that, while there are still lessons to be learned in my middle-aged life, a good many of them will come as a result of much pain and sadness. One thing I cherish about my kids is that they've allowed me to see the world again through eyes that haven't become cynical through experience. I see them each day and wonder if my dad had the same trepidation as I do now, watching them grow and struggling to find a balance between protecting them from the hard parts of life and letting them experience enough to become inured to them.

I was raised in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Each branch of my family history is replete with stories of the faith and sacrifice of my ancestors, who chose this path before the cast was even set. My parents were raised in an old fashioned Mormonism that began to fade in its cultural mainstream before I was even born. As I grew up I realized that my home existed in a generation of Mormonism that was at least 30 years behind the one in which my friends were being raised. I appreciate that fact and have always been thankful for the parents who raised me. The LDS church is not only my religion, it defines who I am and is the prism through which I see my life and my whole family tree.

Over the years I have questioned my faith a number of times. I often get the feeling I know a bit more about Mormonism's storied beginnings than the average congregant, but I've still discovered doctrines, events, and questions that called for answers I had to find to my own satisfaction. I don't make a habit of looking for answers among those who spend their time denigrating the LDS church, but I've never accepted the idea that I should only look to sanitized sources either. I'd rather learn the truth about things (where it can be established) and decide from there. Each time this has happened I've come to the ultimate conclusion that "the church" is where I belong. It's where God wants me and where I want to live my life. It's who I am. I feel God's presence most in my life when I strive to live in the way I was taught.

Before my first son was born I found myself questioning almost every aspect of my life. I'd been pondering the meaning of truth and whether I identified as a Mormon because my parents and family did or whether I truly believed it was the restored Gospel of Jesus Christ. Joseph Smith taught that truth is something to be embraced, no matter where it ultimately leads. The question that came to my mind was whether I was following the truth (God) or following man. Any man. I came to understand that following God was the only choice I wanted to embrace and that I needed to do so even if it meant His leading me out of the only church I'd ever known. I didn't think He was going to, but I had to be open to the idea if I was going to ask for God's guidance and be willing to follow it, no matter what.

It was at that point that I made the biggest mistake of my marriage. Not that it was wrong to do so, but it proved to show a divide between my wife and I that, ultimately, was never closed. I approached my ex and explained everything I'd been pondering. Over the few years we'd been married she'd often complained that I didn't trust her enough; that I wasn't open to her in sharing my innermost thoughts. I wanted to though, and here was a chance.

My ex was also raised in the LDS church. Her past was a little more colorful than some, but when we dated I made a point of inquiring about (and she made a point of expressing) her commitment to and belief in our shared faith. When she was pregnant and I explained to her what I was thinking she didn't say much, but I knew immediately that I should have been silent on the matter. Within a few days she confronted me with a lecture and made sure that I understood she would never allow our son to be raised outside of the church. The best way I can frame the conversation is to describe it as less than charitable. I found later that she'd gone to various family members and others to express my "apostasy," and our relationship was never the same. There were at least two major events later in our marriage when she brought up these events. Each time it was done to emphasize that I would never measure up as far as church matters were concerned, and that she deserved better. The circumstances behind her bringing that up struck me as quite ironic once I (later) learned why, but that can wait for my next post.

One Year On

Has it really been a year?

As I hit publish on my last post I had no idea it would be thirteen months before I posted again. So much has happened in that time that it could easily have been twice that amount and I wouldn't be surprised. Divorce made final, (then) lawyers, vindictive and bitter ex family members, new business opportunities, a new place to live... And always, my beautiful children. As much stress as all the rest caused, having my boys with me every single day has been a worthwhile trade. They bring me joy, laughter, hope, frustration, affection, pure love, and even more stress just about every day. And I wouldn't have it any other way.

So I'm half way through my Sophomore year in college. I just finished another term and know I've secured at least one "A" out of the deal. (Human Biology even!) I keep checking the grade page online for my other class because I'm hoping to squeak through on that one to keep my 4.0 intact. For a guy who couldn't be any less bothered over grades in high school (or even passing the class on many accounts), I've become pretty grade focused as a college student. I figure I'll need all the help I can get if I end up deciding on law school. To be honest I need to be more education than grade focused in my studies. I got so busy over the last six months that I barely studied at all. I'm fairly lucky in that I retain fairly well the stuff that does sink in, so last minute papers and cramming for finals haven't tripped me up so far. That's going to change though. I want to enjoy school, rather than just fly through it. While also baking cookies and wiping butts and chauffeuring kiddos and color grading indie films and...

Lots and Lots of Homework

Five weeks ago I began a project that's only about 27 years overdue. Last week I hit midterms in my first semester as a college Freshman. I'm a student at Columbia College (of Columbia Missouri), and am taking my courses online. As such, they are abbreviated into eight week courses. Because of the magnified workload the maximum number of classes I can take is two. And yes, I am glad for that. Now...

Before starting I lamented (to myself because there is no one left with whom to lament such things) that I'd sure like to take three or four classes so I can get this thing done quickly. Yeah, that would have been a mistake. The biggest lesson I've learned so far is that I haven't changed much in 27 years where school is concerned. From the first assignment I was reading half the description and then going off half cocked to finish the paper without bothering to read anything else. The next lesson I learned was that school hadn't changed all that much either. My instructors kind of expect me to turn in what they've asked for. Imagine that! What hasn't helped is that I can usually get a decent grade even when doing it 'my way', but decent isn't good enough anymore. I want 95-100, not 92 or 86. The good thing is that I've found I have other habits which are actually helpful in school.

I tend to be inquisitive and am usually not content with generic answers and explanations. These classes aren't self directed but they are self motivated in that there are no lectures. I have a list of things to read and a list of assignments to write based on what I've learned from what I've read. Two of my textbooks are great. The other one sucks. Either way, I end up online looking for more no matter what the assignment is (and no, I don't usually look to Wikipedia for those answers). And I'm getting better at reading all the instructions now as well.

If I had more hours in a day I might be able to juggle homework and the kids and taking the older one to school and back and band practice and getting my company off the ground. As it is I'm grabbing for what I can when I can. Like most people, I'm sure... Anyway, I'm having fun. I'm really liking my English Composition class. More than I thought I would, actually. If I could figure out how to make a decent living at 50 with an English degree I might chuck my previous plans and do that instead. It doesn't hurt that I seem to be doing well in the class. Then again I'm doing well in American Government too but the passion is definitely in English. I may even post one of my assignments. It was a compare/contrast essay. It almost looks like something for my Government class but only because I'm still a follower of the political stuff. At least it's not writing about getting divorced!

Hey! Where You Been?

It's been a busy time around the OldManC estate. The papers are signed and I'm just waiting on a 'divorce orientation certificate' from the other then my attorney can submit it all to the court. The state of Utah makes parents take a class when divorcing that basically says don't badmouth your ex or the kids will suffer. Good sentiment, actually. Do you think they could get certain in-laws to take it as well? Hopefully in the next few weeks it'll all be over.

In the meantime, I've been slammed with homework at school and kidlet responsibilities, plus I'm trying to get my home based business up and running. Hey, it' the only way I can get some income without sending my boys to daycare for 50 hours a week! I just hope I can pull it off. I'm working on the website and a Facebook group to promote it. Take a look if you want:


Here's the website.

Here's the Facebook page.

They (whomever 'they' are) say to do what you know, so it looks like I'm still a colorist for a while! The independent film market is really exploding with DSLR Cinematography and Utah has very few resources for filmmakers doing post finishing. I'm hoping to fill a niche there. It's a work in progress and I'm still trying to get some needed equipment (DIY style on eBay of all places), but I'm far enough along that I can do projects now and have been working on a few small things.


My bay.


Here's how it looks when I'm actually working (which is why I need sunglasses even on a cloudy day) :)




These are what I look at to see what, where, and how I'm going to adjust stuff (to get a pretty picture). Right now I have to point, click, and drag everything to get it done. For a guy who's been playing with joy balls for 15 years, it's a very frustrating workflow!


Here's the next thing I need. See those blue track balls? The plan is that I'll play with those and people will give me money. Isn't this a great country? I found a guy in Austria who's selling some (there are two panels there) in the exact configuration I need. I'm trying to work the deal right now so we'll see... So you can't say I've been sitting around moping!

Got Any Prayers to Spare?

I have a court date tomorrow. The way things are going lately it's probably the first of many. If any of you out there are the praying type I would surely appreciate one on my behalf. The thing I've prayed for in all of this is that the best outcome for my sons would be achieved. There are no winners in a divorce. At least not this one. All I can hope for is to minimize the fallout. When I think of what this has the potential to do to my kids I feel guilty for ever having gotten married. They don't deserve any of this.

Day by day. That's all I can do right now.

What Now?

I guess at this point I should lay off the blog posts and see what the attorneys have to say about things. I know there were a few people reading this blog (and I literally mean a few), but things have gotten to the point where games are being played as if this is some sort of whizzing contest. And from my end, it's not. At all. I was gutted by this whole thing and still am, but that doesn't mean I'm crying about it anymore. I'm more than a little bit angry now, and when it gets to that point it's better to shut up and let the experts take over. I'm out for a while (at least as far as this divorce thing goes). See you on the other side.

Are You Nuts or What?

Ah, the joys of divorce... If you've been following this blog you know that since this started I've had a wide range of moods and emotions where my wife is concerned. As you may have gathered, this whole thing started long before I ever wrote about it here. Last year, when she broke it off and came home I dropped it and didn't even talk about it to the very few people I had confided in when she was gone. The one (30+ year) friend that continued to push the issue is not a friend anymore. That's how seriously I take even conversational fidelity in a marriage.

As much as some of my posts have pointed toward (or at least hoped for) reconciliation, it became obvious to me last week that any hope I had for that had been dashed against the rocky cliffs of my wife's newly emergent and prowling libido. In accepting that reality I put aside one aspect of our communication that I held steadfastly to over the last month, and that was my willingness not to call her spade a shovel.

In our private conversations over the last two weeks, as she smugly threw her escapades into my face (or alternately downplayed them while insisting they were none of my business and I should 'get a life and move on'), I've become more vocal about telling her exactly what I think of her behavior, both recent and all the deceit over the last few years. Some of those descriptives would be highly disrespectful for any man to use toward a kind and loving wife. Seeing as my wife has been neither of those things for a while, and seeing as my choice of words perfectly describe what she's been up to, I don't see the problem. You might be surprised to hear that she does, and when she's spoken to me since (or emailed, which is all she'll do now), she's made sure to lecture me about respect and how my lack of it is making things worse right now. And no, I'm not kidding...

She's not reading this but I'll spell it out:

If my wife cut the crap, repented (which means confessing, forsaking, and leaving those behaviors, people, and attitudes behind), if she came home and acted honorably toward me, our children, and our marriage, I would drop any references to her lack of honor and fidelity and do whatever I needed to repair and build our marriage and family. Being truly repentant, I would expect the same from her.

That being said, so long as she's not willing to do these things, and so long as she happily visits violence on our marriage covenants, her own covenants, and every single thing we agreed to use as the foundation in establishing and raising our family, I will not have any part in helping her to feel better about what she's doing by letting her define reality to me as anything she thinks it is. I did that for far too long in our marriage and all it got me was a weird indentation on my left hand's now naked ring finger. I'm not doing that anymore.

So I originally wrote the title of this post because that's what my wife has accused me of being, having been so nice and then 'turning' on her. Well, it wasn't me that turned. But now I realize it's also an apt question for the woman who thinks having two boyfriends while she's currently not divorced from her actual husband is really no big deal.

Losing Hope But Not Faith

What a week this has been! The other day was probably the second most remarkable day in my son's life so far after that of his birth, as he started kindergarten on Monday. I was so proud of him as he joined the group and sat down in class. When I picked him up after school he acted like it was no big thing and he'd just had a regular day. So young to be so cool and unaffected... Well, unaffected in normal ways. He's still my kid so he has his moments. ;)

As we were leaving school an announcement came over the PA offering free tickets to see a Beatles tribute band. I didn't knock anybody over as I headed toward the office but I may have scared a few kids. No worries though, I scored the tickets and Monday night my two sons and I attended their first concert at an open air shell in a local park. We had a blast and I probably should do a post on that, but for now I'll just say it was another night where memories were made without mom being around. We've actually had a lot of those lately, even before my wife left. She started withdrawing from the family a long time ago.

As we were leaving the show I noticed I'd missed a call that came earlier and the message was from mom, finally calling at 6:30 to see how school went. I dialed her number and handed the phone to son #1, but I heard the machine and sadly, knew where she was that instant. Hooking up (and yes, I mean it that way) with the local boyfriend was her preferred method of spending this, the first family night of the new school year.

We drove by grandma's just in case dear old dad was being paranoid, but mom's car wasn't there. When confronted the next morning, after lying about it for a few minutes, mom relented, admitted, and then said, "So what?" Well, for one thing your son would love to have had you show some interest in his first day of school, my still married wife...

The end of this week will mark another milestone in our life. Mrs. C will attend a hearing in which will be decided whether she keeps her membership in the church we both were born in, grew up in, were married in, planned to raise our family, grow old together, and die in. She doesn't seem too bothered by that fact, which I fear points to an outcome that will only embolden her current self destructive behavior.

One funny thing I learned this week is that this old/new boyfriend is so charming, so attractive, so persuasive, that even the fact that he was living out of his car didn't dissuade my wife from leaving her children and husband to chase this incredible hunk-o-manhood. In fact, this guy is so awesome that he believes he has super powers which come from the demons who surround him and that he'll vanquish evil in the world by the direction of Satan, who speaks to him in his dreams. And no, I'm not making this up. I don't know whether to be insulted, mortified and embarrassed for her, or to laugh my rear end completely off the hind end of my body...

So the hope I've lost is that in which my family had any chance of being restored in the same configuration. My wife wants the freedom to go off and do whatever for as long as she feels the itch and then, if she feels so inclined, she says of course she'd like to see if we can 'make it work' at that point. Like she's been trying to make it work for the last 18 months? Somehow I don't feel too convinced that I should hang around, waiting for her to head back home.

Here's the thing though; my faith is intact. Faith in God, faith in marriage, faith in my children and the multitude of blessings they bring into my life every single day. My wife may have chosen to reject these things, but I have not. As I deal with all of this I'm having good days and bad. I have incredible friends and relatives who have offered me stellar advice, support, insight, and direction when I'm about to lose my own. If I'm keeping a sane head at all it has much to do with God and these beautiful blessings He's put into my life in the form of people who care for me and my children. I may be having trials, but I have not been left to face them on my own. My title was wrong. I do have hope. Not in my wife, but in my life, and in that God who knows its beginning, its end, and all of the days in-between.

I am blessed beyond measure.

Frustration, Heartbreak, Love, Disappointment

This roller coaster is not fun. To be honest, I hate it. I'm too human to let go and trust God. I'm trying, but... Mostly it's because I know some of this isn't so much in God's hands as it is my wife's hands, and if she won't listen to God, then my understanding of God is He isn't going to step in any time soon. I pray for a softened heart, but if God gives us our agency then doesn't that mean a softened heart doesn't happen until that person is at least slightly willing to allow it?

***Edit***

I realize I should clarify. I trust God and believe He has my best interests at heart. My problem has been that I find it hard to stop worrying about whether my wife will pull her head out or continue down the path she's obviously chosen. I have always had a hard time letting go of something to 'let the Lord handle it'. I always think I should be doing more. This is where I'm hitting the wall. Anything I say to LeeAnn seems to make things worse. She doesn't see at all any problem with the way she's been acting (or says I'm making a big deal out of nothing). Her favorite seems to be, "So, you weren't perfect either!" Okay...

***/Edit***

As a more full knowledge of the last year and a half of my marriage unfolds, I feel sicker and sicker. My stomach knots and ends up somewhere near the bottom of my throat. My heart feels both pain and deadening as the realization of the lie I've lived in becomes more real.

My wife had a "no-sex" affair from March to May or so last year, with a guy she'd dated in the 90's and pronounced a weird, hopeless loser any time she ever mentioned him (once she'd moved out of state he stalked her mother and young sister as a way to feel closer to her). We reconciled, she cut it off, and swore that she'd spend the rest of our lives proving to me that she loved me and I'd never get rid of her. Until October or so of last year when, fresh into a new job, she started meeting up with him again, unbeknownst to me. Meeting every 'couple' of weeks, or 'weekly', or 'whatever'. Lunch, make-out sessions, whatever. In the meantime, I'd been getting all sorts of weird feelings about how she was acting and every time I brought it up she lamented the fact that our marriage would be ruined if I couldn't learn to trust her again, because she loved me, would be with me forever, etc. etc. Except for when she was with him, I guess, because those assurances happened in the middle of her 'other' activities...

Over the last few weeks I've been trying to show her I would reconcile if she chose to. She'd told me that she was repentant. Sorry for what she did, but afraid that she'd do it again if she came back. She said she wasn't ready to make that commitment. Not to me, mind you. What she meant was she wasn't ready to cut off seeking physical and emotional attention from other men.

I may be mistaken, but I always thought a repentant heart meant you'd at least stop what you were up to and start looking for a way to fix it. Not with my wife, I guess.

---------------------------

So the boys were with her yesterday and when I got to her mom's to pick them up, my wife (yes, we are still married) met me at the door with the blood drained from her face. She informed me that our younger son had fallen off a table at the park at noon that day, but shown no evidence of the injury until 7:00PM, when a small but obviously deep cut began oozing blood over his corn silk hair. My mother-in-law's sister was pronouncing him fine (no Dr. needed) over the phone when I told my wife to give him to me so I could take him to the hospital. I took her as well and the boy ended up with one staple in his scalp. Not a huge deal, but I would have heard nothing about his injury if I hadn't seen the blood. If he'd had a concussion or subdural hematoma I wouldn't have known as he drifted off to sleep once we got home because my wife thinks keeping me from knowing anything that might put her in a bad light is the proper way to go. She did the same thing when she lost the same son at the mall a month ago and it took long enough to find him that other adults (and maybe security or police) were involved. I know this because, unlike my wife, my sons talk to me. A lot. They both repeated their version of events many times since and I was just waiting to see if she would bring it up.

Am I wrong for thinking that her withholding that type of information (especially in light of her general deceitfulness over the last 3-4 years) is troublesome? They are our children, right? She seems to think I want to know these things so I can 'get her in trouble' and 'take the boys from her'. I tend to look at it as wanting to know anything of importance about the boys when they've been with her for the day or longer. If the boy had woken up screaming in the night after having been lost I might have been able to comfort him, knowing what the source of that fear was. As a matter of fact, that happened... Good thing the three year old had explained it to me first.

And yes, I would still rather reconcile than divorce, but I'm wondering if that would be a fool's errand no matter what my wife ends up deciding?

Forty-Five Year Old College Freshman? Maybe...

From about the age of 12 my biggest wish in life was to be a rock star and tour the world. Over the next 14 years I tried to figure out how to do that while staying true to my religious ideals. Growing up in the Sunset Strip 80's Glam era, that wasn't such an easy task and obviously it never happened quite the way I'd envisioned it.

Fast forward to 1994 and I was in the middle of what would become about 20 years of working in TV and film. At the time I was still near the bottom rung and decided I'd use my weird work schedule to go to school and see if I could figure out a 'grown up' career. I'd gotten through one light semester before my 'day job' (done from 11:00PM to whenever I got out in the morning) picked up and I had to make a choice. I decided I'd better stick with what was working and ended up in a pretty killer job for the next few years.

Which brings me to today.

For various reasons I'm almost positive I'm not going to leave this world as a colorist (not the least of which is I'm not working as one now). I've been trying for three years to see if there was some way I can go to school and squeeze yet one more career out of this worldly sojourn of mine.

Earlier in the year the wife and I discussed the next few years in detail and had it all worked out. I would get a BA online and right about the time our boys were both in school and moving along, I'd get down to business and go to law school; law being something I've always been interested in, and also a career I could still get 25 years out of even if I was starting out in my early 50's. I've known quite a few 75 year old attorneys...

Well, if you're reading this then you know what happened to the wife part. With all that I figured I'd better drop those other plans and quick. The problem's been, I can't. I still want to do this. Or at least start it and if the Lord has other plans, I'll certainly find out at some point.

So I did some more research this week and found a few schools that offer online education, but the programs and degrees are no different than the 'brick and mortar' versions those schools also provide. I checked accreditation and spoke with the head of the department at one of the schools and have been pretty impressed with what I found. So I got online and sent in my application this weekend. If I can swing it I'll end up doing one to two classes per 8 week term toward a BA in history (or 'American Studies') and power through it over the next few years until I'm ready to look at law schools.

When I was supposed to be in college I was doing this instead:



Now I'll be that old dude in the corner, muttering to myself as I try to bang my way through English 115. ;)

Mormons *Are* Different

I have a confession to make. I've lived such a sheltered life that I'm not sure if the issue I'm facing now is a 'Mormon' thing or if other people who live by prayer and seek spiritual guidance face the same dilemma. I'd be interested to know. Even the few friends I had growing up who weren't Mormons ended up becoming one, so I could be way off the mark here.

Here's the thing. I am a very objective person. In my politics and in my outlook on just about anything, my opinions come from what I see and understand. Emotions have their place, but I don't totally base decisions on them any more than I would map out a 1000 mile car trip with them.

Yet there is a spiritual outlook I try to live by that I have no objective reason to believe. At least not in the literal sense. I have not seen God. I have not felt the hand of my Savior, yet my hope is to live my life based on how I've been taught they would have me live. With lots of mistakes and failures, mind you, but still...

One of my favorite political theorists is Ayn Rand. Her whole philosophy is called Objectivism, and as far as politics and things not related to God are concerned, I believe she had it right. Yet my belief in God is something she would reject as superstition, believing that it would cloud my thinking in every other topic.

I live in contradiction.

But I don't see any other way that makes sense and I suspect that type of contradiction is one of the things we're called to accept as Latter-Day Saints. If any of my Christian friends ever read this, I would love to know if you ever feel this way. Not from any doctrinal standpoint because we'll just have to agree to disagree on that account. Even factoring that in I think we may have more in common than not.

I see the world in an objective manner (or strive to), yet I'm totally open to seeking Spiritual direction in making the decisions I face in guiding my life. Are you?

So here I am going through this marriage thing and what I'm thinking and feeling are nowhere near what I would ever have guessed if you'd told me about this ten years ago. I can't describe it or begin to predict an outcome, but I'm as surprised by my line of thought right now as I have ever been. It's not logical. It's not objective. But that Spirit which tells me to do what is right has opened my mind and heart to things I could not have imagined one month ago.

Where do I go from here? I don't know. I can't foresee how other people in this story will move forward. I can't even say for sure what I will do because those decisions will be colored by the choices they make.

If nothing else comes of this, at least I can say I have once again been surprised by the degree to which God can change my heart and outlook. Now if only He (and I) could make it permanent...

Achin' To Be

I got on a 'Mats kick tonight. That was probably a mistake but it's too late now. I'll deal... When I was getting to know my wife this song was all I could think of whenever I flew home from New York after seeing her. Good thing I love this band so much or I couldn't listen to it anymore.



OK, I needed one to lift me up a bit. This one always works. There's something so beautiful and melancholy about this song it always gives me hope. Does that sound weird? Oh well... :)

One of My Father's Favorite Scriptures

has new resonance for me these days. I've heard just about every argument people have for why Joseph Smith wasn't who he said he was. The Doctrine and Covenants tells me he was.

D&C 122

1 The ends of the earth shall inquire after thy name, and fools shall have thee in derision, and hell shall rage against thee;
2 While the pure in heart, and the wise, and the noble, and the virtuous, shall seek counsel, and authority, and blessings constantly from under thy hand.
3 And thy people shall never be turned against thee by the testimony of traitors.
4 And although their influence shall cast thee into trouble, and into bars and walls, thou shalt be had in honor; and but for a small moment and thy voice shall be more terrible in the midst of thine enemies than the fierce lion, because of thy righteousness; and thy God shall stand by thee forever and ever.
5 If thou art called to pass through tribulation; if thou art in perils among false brethren; if thou art in perils among robbers; if thou art in perils by land or by sea;
6 If thou art accused with all manner of false accusations; if thine enemies fall upon thee; if they tear thee from the society of thy father and mother and brethren and sisters; and if with a drawn sword thine enemies tear thee from the bosom of thy wife, and of thine offspring, and thine elder son, although but six years of age, shall cling to thy garments, and shall say, My father, my father, why can’t you stay with us? O, my father, what are the men going to do with you? and if then he shall be thrust from thee by the sword, and thou be dragged to prison, and thine enemies prowl around thee like wolves for the blood of the lamb;
7 And if thou shouldst be cast into the pit, or into the hands of murderers, and the sentence of death passed upon thee; if thou be cast into the deep; if the billowing surge conspire against thee; if fierce winds become thine enemy; if the heavens gather blackness, and all the elements combine to hedge up the way; and above all, if the very jaws of hell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee, know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good.
8 The Son of Man hath descended below them all. Art thou greater than he?
9 Therefore, hold on thy way, and the priesthood shall remain with thee; for their bounds are set, they cannot pass. Thy days are known, and thy years shall not be numbered less; therefore, fear not what man can do, for God shall be with you forever and ever.

------------------------

Before you get the wrong idea, I don't think I'm a prophet. Not even close. I'm just a husband, father, brother, and son. I hope I'm a friend.

Most of this section deals with Joseph directly, but verse eight is one I've thought of again and again whenever I've gotten to that place where I'm feeling sorry for myself about some little thing. That verse, along with the next, is my answer every time. The Son of Man descended below them all. I am certainly no greater than He. My days are known and the Lord has counted them. I have nothing to fear when those truths are held in my heart. I pray I'll always be willing to remember that.

A Little Bit Lower Now...

Bloody Hell!

I tried writing a post this morning. By the time I was done I wanted to jump out a window. After editing it I felt even worse!

I know some of this has been sad and all, but I'm really trying not to turn into that guy.

I was totally lost the Fall after I graduated high school. I was 18, my hair was finally how I wanted it, I had pro bass gear, high heels, and all the make-up I'd ever need. What could the problem be? I'd even auditioned for a band led by a local rock star and been invited to join. I turned them down because they rejected my best friend (who'd auditioned on guitar), but said friend still seemed bent out of shape about it and I don't know that things were ever the same after that. Anyway, he'd discovered the joys of pre-marital fornication and that may have had more to do with why I never saw him anymore. Either way I was left in a funk, not wanting to blow off my responsibilities to God but also not wanting to lose out on my biggest goal in life to that point, which was to be in the next Mötley Crüe. Don't laugh, this was 1983 and I lived just over the hill from Hollywood. Guys a lot less talented than I made millions on that wave...

Anyway, I had this friend named Steve. I'd known him since seventh grade and we'd been pretty tight (ask me sometime about driving around all night in the stolen Millennium Falcon). So I must have spent three weeks straight, crying to Steve about how sad and pathetic my life was at that very moment. He listened patiently like the friend he was for two weeks and six days. Then he exploded. His words have never left me; "Dude! EVERYBODY'S life sucks! My life is great and you're even depressing ME!" "Nobody wants to hear how sad you are. Get over it!" "If all you can talk about is how depressed you are and how everything is crap, nobody's going to want to have you around anymore!"

It took me a while to figure it out but you know what? Steve was right.

My post this morning was all about how freaked out I am because my life is in limbo. My wife, though she may be depressed because she lost her job and can't move out of her mother's basement as soon as she wanted to, is not in limbo. Our marriage covenants obviously lost all meaning to her so she can blow them off and move on even if we aren't actually divorced (OK, she did that even before she left). I can't. I'm married. So I'll just deal with it. It'll take a few months and then I can move on. It's not like everyone reading this doesn't also have a life full of trials and challenges, right?

I'm healthy. My boys are healthy. Shoot, I still have a few basses left (though the high heels are long gone). In the great scheme of things I don't really have so much to complain about, do I?