The vicissitudes of life seem to travel the same road as each of us who weakly, haltingly strive to follow our God and Him who He sent, that we might live. The pain that comes from revisiting past mistakes is no less searing when those sins are fiercely owned by one whom we love.
Can the love professed by one so unfaithful be sincere? I am struggling because I don't believe it can, yet she says otherwise. Even as she fills her sack with clothing and bids her sons goodbye, in the hopes that she may 'find herself', and with it the happiness she has refused to see that was available in our home all along. A home she can't stand to be a part of now.
One might ask; can two struggling, imperfect souls ever find happiness in striving and stumbling day in and day out to build a life together? I would answer that's the only way they ever can. She doesn't believe me, and says she never really has.
Our younger son cried after his mother left the house tonight. The older one looked forward, intently focusing on the computer even as I tried to hug and comfort him, his voice measured, but tremulous nonetheless. I fear for him because, slightly, he has his mother's habit of shutting down emotionally when the world closes in around him. He's a lovely, intelligent, and sensitive child. I never really understood a parent's love until I held him in my arms...
Later in the evening the boys chased me down the upstairs hallway as I fought to put them to bed. As I changed a diaper the younger one kept reaching out to stab me with his little sausage fingers and they kept hitting their normally non-ticklish mark with great effectiveness (all with his diaper undone and other bits threatening to add to the fun). The older boy joined in and we laughed heartily and smiled even in our eyes as we got ready for bed. They're up there now, asleep in the room where my wife should be. I'll join them soon but before I do I'll be stopping on my knees for a few minutes to thank a loving Heavenly Father for showing me, even if only for a few minutes, that my family will get through this whether she ever comes home or not.
4 comments:
>a loving Heavenly Father for showing me, even if only for a few minutes, that my family will get through this
Those few minutes are important. We're here to go through a difficult and thoroughly soul-stretching experience, but we can find those indications of our Heavenly Father's love and constant attentiveness if we look for them.
>whether she ever comes home or not
Ultimately, what other people do is irrelevant. All we can do is try to keep our own covenants, in good faith, to the best of our ability. To quote a song by Helloween, "Though I cannot change the world we're living in, I can always change myself." My actions are 100% my decision, regardless of what others do. That's a significant responsibility, but it's also liberating. You don't have to try to "make it all better" when somebody is making bad choices. In fact, you can't make it all better.
>find herself
"He that findeth his life shall lose it."
That second comment is the hardest part of this for me. I love the person I married and have always felt happiness was there for us if we chose it. Though I am hurt and angry at her actions, I'm even more worried for the road she seems intent on traveling.
Our boys (mostly the older one) have gone through many moods and emotions over the last few days, but I can't say that without mentioning the comforting Spirit of peace that's settled on our home. I don't know how long it will abide here, but I'm grateful for its presence.
I can't possibly add more than what's already been so eloquently stated above, and I believe it's all true as well by the way, but George please know you always have a loyal friend here, and in any way that I can help you and your kids, I will and would.
Sometimes you think that you're "searching" but if you take the time to look right in front of you, that's where "it" usually is.
You're a good man :) Jeannine
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