Monday, September 27, 2010

Got Any Prayers to Spare?

I have a court date tomorrow. The way things are going lately it's probably the first of many. If any of you out there are the praying type I would surely appreciate one on my behalf. The thing I've prayed for in all of this is that the best outcome for my sons would be achieved. There are no winners in a divorce. At least not this one. All I can hope for is to minimize the fallout. When I think of what this has the potential to do to my kids I feel guilty for ever having gotten married. They don't deserve any of this.

Day by day. That's all I can do right now.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

What Now?

I guess at this point I should lay off the blog posts and see what the attorneys have to say about things. I know there were a few people reading this blog (and I literally mean a few), but things have gotten to the point where games are being played as if this is some sort of whizzing contest. And from my end, it's not. At all. I was gutted by this whole thing and still am, but that doesn't mean I'm crying about it anymore. I'm more than a little bit angry now, and when it gets to that point it's better to shut up and let the experts take over. I'm out for a while (at least as far as this divorce thing goes). See you on the other side.

Saturday, September 4, 2010

Are You Nuts or What?

Ah, the joys of divorce... If you've been following this blog you know that since this started I've had a wide range of moods and emotions where my wife is concerned. As you may have gathered, this whole thing started long before I ever wrote about it here. Last year, when she broke it off and came home I dropped it and didn't even talk about it to the very few people I had confided in when she was gone. The one (30+ year) friend that continued to push the issue is not a friend anymore. That's how seriously I take even conversational fidelity in a marriage.

As much as some of my posts have pointed toward (or at least hoped for) reconciliation, it became obvious to me last week that any hope I had for that had been dashed against the rocky cliffs of my wife's newly emergent and prowling libido. In accepting that reality I put aside one aspect of our communication that I held steadfastly to over the last month, and that was my willingness not to call her spade a shovel.

In our private conversations over the last two weeks, as she smugly threw her escapades into my face (or alternately downplayed them while insisting they were none of my business and I should 'get a life and move on'), I've become more vocal about telling her exactly what I think of her behavior, both recent and all the deceit over the last few years. Some of those descriptives would be highly disrespectful for any man to use toward a kind and loving wife. Seeing as my wife has been neither of those things for a while, and seeing as my choice of words perfectly describe what she's been up to, I don't see the problem. You might be surprised to hear that she does, and when she's spoken to me since (or emailed, which is all she'll do now), she's made sure to lecture me about respect and how my lack of it is making things worse right now. And no, I'm not kidding...

She's not reading this but I'll spell it out:

If my wife cut the crap, repented (which means confessing, forsaking, and leaving those behaviors, people, and attitudes behind), if she came home and acted honorably toward me, our children, and our marriage, I would drop any references to her lack of honor and fidelity and do whatever I needed to repair and build our marriage and family. Being truly repentant, I would expect the same from her.

That being said, so long as she's not willing to do these things, and so long as she happily visits violence on our marriage covenants, her own covenants, and every single thing we agreed to use as the foundation in establishing and raising our family, I will not have any part in helping her to feel better about what she's doing by letting her define reality to me as anything she thinks it is. I did that for far too long in our marriage and all it got me was a weird indentation on my left hand's now naked ring finger. I'm not doing that anymore.

So I originally wrote the title of this post because that's what my wife has accused me of being, having been so nice and then 'turning' on her. Well, it wasn't me that turned. But now I realize it's also an apt question for the woman who thinks having two boyfriends while she's currently not divorced from her actual husband is really no big deal.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Losing Hope But Not Faith

What a week this has been! The other day was probably the second most remarkable day in my son's life so far after that of his birth, as he started kindergarten on Monday. I was so proud of him as he joined the group and sat down in class. When I picked him up after school he acted like it was no big thing and he'd just had a regular day. So young to be so cool and unaffected... Well, unaffected in normal ways. He's still my kid so he has his moments. ;)

As we were leaving school an announcement came over the PA offering free tickets to see a Beatles tribute band. I didn't knock anybody over as I headed toward the office but I may have scared a few kids. No worries though, I scored the tickets and Monday night my two sons and I attended their first concert at an open air shell in a local park. We had a blast and I probably should do a post on that, but for now I'll just say it was another night where memories were made without mom being around. We've actually had a lot of those lately, even before my wife left. She started withdrawing from the family a long time ago.

As we were leaving the show I noticed I'd missed a call that came earlier and the message was from mom, finally calling at 6:30 to see how school went. I dialed her number and handed the phone to son #1, but I heard the machine and sadly, knew where she was that instant. Hooking up (and yes, I mean it that way) with the local boyfriend was her preferred method of spending this, the first family night of the new school year.

We drove by grandma's just in case dear old dad was being paranoid, but mom's car wasn't there. When confronted the next morning, after lying about it for a few minutes, mom relented, admitted, and then said, "So what?" Well, for one thing your son would love to have had you show some interest in his first day of school, my still married wife...

The end of this week will mark another milestone in our life. Mrs. C will attend a hearing in which will be decided whether she keeps her membership in the church we both were born in, grew up in, were married in, planned to raise our family, grow old together, and die in. She doesn't seem too bothered by that fact, which I fear points to an outcome that will only embolden her current self destructive behavior.

One funny thing I learned this week is that this old/new boyfriend is so charming, so attractive, so persuasive, that even the fact that he was living out of his car didn't dissuade my wife from leaving her children and husband to chase this incredible hunk-o-manhood. In fact, this guy is so awesome that he believes he has super powers which come from the demons who surround him and that he'll vanquish evil in the world by the direction of Satan, who speaks to him in his dreams. And no, I'm not making this up. I don't know whether to be insulted, mortified and embarrassed for her, or to laugh my rear end completely off the hind end of my body...

So the hope I've lost is that in which my family had any chance of being restored in the same configuration. My wife wants the freedom to go off and do whatever for as long as she feels the itch and then, if she feels so inclined, she says of course she'd like to see if we can 'make it work' at that point. Like she's been trying to make it work for the last 18 months? Somehow I don't feel too convinced that I should hang around, waiting for her to head back home.

Here's the thing though; my faith is intact. Faith in God, faith in marriage, faith in my children and the multitude of blessings they bring into my life every single day. My wife may have chosen to reject these things, but I have not. As I deal with all of this I'm having good days and bad. I have incredible friends and relatives who have offered me stellar advice, support, insight, and direction when I'm about to lose my own. If I'm keeping a sane head at all it has much to do with God and these beautiful blessings He's put into my life in the form of people who care for me and my children. I may be having trials, but I have not been left to face them on my own. My title was wrong. I do have hope. Not in my wife, but in my life, and in that God who knows its beginning, its end, and all of the days in-between.

I am blessed beyond measure.