Ah, the joys of divorce... If you've been following this blog you know that since this started I've had a wide range of moods and emotions where my wife is concerned. As you may have gathered, this whole thing started long before I ever wrote about it here. Last year, when she broke it off and came home I dropped it and didn't even talk about it to the very few people I had confided in when she was gone. The one (30+ year) friend that continued to push the issue is not a friend anymore. That's how seriously I take even conversational fidelity in a marriage.
As much as some of my posts have pointed toward (or at least hoped for) reconciliation, it became obvious to me last week that any hope I had for that had been dashed against the rocky cliffs of my wife's newly emergent and prowling libido. In accepting that reality I put aside one aspect of our communication that I held steadfastly to over the last month, and that was my willingness not to call her spade a shovel.
In our private conversations over the last two weeks, as she smugly threw her escapades into my face (or alternately downplayed them while insisting they were none of my business and I should 'get a life and move on'), I've become more vocal about telling her exactly what I think of her behavior, both recent and all the deceit over the last few years. Some of those descriptives would be highly disrespectful for any man to use toward a kind and loving wife. Seeing as my wife has been neither of those things for a while, and seeing as my choice of words perfectly describe what she's been up to, I don't see the problem. You might be surprised to hear that she does, and when she's spoken to me since (or emailed, which is all she'll do now), she's made sure to lecture me about respect and how my lack of it is making things worse right now. And no, I'm not kidding...
She's not reading this but I'll spell it out:
If my wife cut the crap, repented (which means confessing, forsaking, and leaving those behaviors, people, and attitudes behind), if she came home and acted honorably toward me, our children, and our marriage, I would drop any references to her lack of honor and fidelity and do whatever I needed to repair and build our marriage and family. Being truly repentant, I would expect the same from her.
That being said, so long as she's not willing to do these things, and so long as she happily visits violence on our marriage covenants, her own covenants, and every single thing we agreed to use as the foundation in establishing and raising our family, I will not have any part in helping her to feel better about what she's doing by letting her define reality to me as anything she thinks it is. I did that for far too long in our marriage and all it got me was a weird indentation on my left hand's now naked ring finger. I'm not doing that anymore.
So I originally wrote the title of this post because that's what my wife has accused me of being, having been so nice and then 'turning' on her. Well, it wasn't me that turned. But now I realize it's also an apt question for the woman who thinks having two boyfriends while she's currently not divorced from her actual husband is really no big deal.