Saturday, September 4, 2010

Are You Nuts or What?

Ah, the joys of divorce... If you've been following this blog you know that since this started I've had a wide range of moods and emotions where my wife is concerned. As you may have gathered, this whole thing started long before I ever wrote about it here. Last year, when she broke it off and came home I dropped it and didn't even talk about it to the very few people I had confided in when she was gone. The one (30+ year) friend that continued to push the issue is not a friend anymore. That's how seriously I take even conversational fidelity in a marriage.

As much as some of my posts have pointed toward (or at least hoped for) reconciliation, it became obvious to me last week that any hope I had for that had been dashed against the rocky cliffs of my wife's newly emergent and prowling libido. In accepting that reality I put aside one aspect of our communication that I held steadfastly to over the last month, and that was my willingness not to call her spade a shovel.

In our private conversations over the last two weeks, as she smugly threw her escapades into my face (or alternately downplayed them while insisting they were none of my business and I should 'get a life and move on'), I've become more vocal about telling her exactly what I think of her behavior, both recent and all the deceit over the last few years. Some of those descriptives would be highly disrespectful for any man to use toward a kind and loving wife. Seeing as my wife has been neither of those things for a while, and seeing as my choice of words perfectly describe what she's been up to, I don't see the problem. You might be surprised to hear that she does, and when she's spoken to me since (or emailed, which is all she'll do now), she's made sure to lecture me about respect and how my lack of it is making things worse right now. And no, I'm not kidding...

She's not reading this but I'll spell it out:

If my wife cut the crap, repented (which means confessing, forsaking, and leaving those behaviors, people, and attitudes behind), if she came home and acted honorably toward me, our children, and our marriage, I would drop any references to her lack of honor and fidelity and do whatever I needed to repair and build our marriage and family. Being truly repentant, I would expect the same from her.

That being said, so long as she's not willing to do these things, and so long as she happily visits violence on our marriage covenants, her own covenants, and every single thing we agreed to use as the foundation in establishing and raising our family, I will not have any part in helping her to feel better about what she's doing by letting her define reality to me as anything she thinks it is. I did that for far too long in our marriage and all it got me was a weird indentation on my left hand's now naked ring finger. I'm not doing that anymore.

So I originally wrote the title of this post because that's what my wife has accused me of being, having been so nice and then 'turning' on her. Well, it wasn't me that turned. But now I realize it's also an apt question for the woman who thinks having two boyfriends while she's currently not divorced from her actual husband is really no big deal.


Anonymous said...

>she's made sure to lecture me about respect

Respect has to be earned. Civility can be given freely, but respect is something that has no value whatsoever unless it's earned. Only a fool would give respect to someone that has behaved in a deeply dishonorable manner.

>I will not have any part in helping her to feel better about what she's doing

That would just make you an enabler and a hypocrite. Only Satan wants to lull people into feeling good about choosing evil. Until, of course, he's got hold of them and let's them wallow in the Hell that they have created for themselves.

Being "nice" is often the most unkind thing that you can do. "Nice" guys are often not so nice, and are usually barely even guys. Real men aren't nice. They're kind. And part of being kind means speaking the truth in clarity and boldness, especially when the hearer isn't going to like it.

Manipulative women in particular hate it when the "nice" guys they have been using suddenly stop being "nice" and start being men.

Sarah Waddington said...

I don't know what she thinks she's got to complain about, I mean if you behave in a manner that shows absolutely no respect for someone, then you really can't grumble when that behaviour bites you on the behind. My mum always used to say(still does sometimes..) Do unto others as they would do unto you.
Perfect example here, I think.

As for that metaphorical shovel, well she wants to be grateful that it hasn't metaphorically buried her!! (Sorry, but can't abide infidelity..)

Your willingness to try to put this behind you is commendable, but think of it like this, there comes a point where you need to remove your front door and put a revolving one in instead! Do you really want to get there? Also, dunno if kids have news books in early years there? we did, and mum got called in soo many times because the younger kids had put in their books as their weekend news "Mummy threw Daddy out AGAIN"
accompanied by a picture of bin liners tied with pretty coloured ribbons!! I'm deadly serious. We laugh about that now, but she was mortified each and every time that happened. Made the humiliation of what he'd been upto just that bit worse, if that makes sense.
Hope this helps. Speak soon x