Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Losing Hope But Not Faith

What a week this has been! The other day was probably the second most remarkable day in my son's life so far after that of his birth, as he started kindergarten on Monday. I was so proud of him as he joined the group and sat down in class. When I picked him up after school he acted like it was no big thing and he'd just had a regular day. So young to be so cool and unaffected... Well, unaffected in normal ways. He's still my kid so he has his moments. ;)

As we were leaving school an announcement came over the PA offering free tickets to see a Beatles tribute band. I didn't knock anybody over as I headed toward the office but I may have scared a few kids. No worries though, I scored the tickets and Monday night my two sons and I attended their first concert at an open air shell in a local park. We had a blast and I probably should do a post on that, but for now I'll just say it was another night where memories were made without mom being around. We've actually had a lot of those lately, even before my wife left. She started withdrawing from the family a long time ago.

As we were leaving the show I noticed I'd missed a call that came earlier and the message was from mom, finally calling at 6:30 to see how school went. I dialed her number and handed the phone to son #1, but I heard the machine and sadly, knew where she was that instant. Hooking up (and yes, I mean it that way) with the local boyfriend was her preferred method of spending this, the first family night of the new school year.

We drove by grandma's just in case dear old dad was being paranoid, but mom's car wasn't there. When confronted the next morning, after lying about it for a few minutes, mom relented, admitted, and then said, "So what?" Well, for one thing your son would love to have had you show some interest in his first day of school, my still married wife...

The end of this week will mark another milestone in our life. Mrs. C will attend a hearing in which will be decided whether she keeps her membership in the church we both were born in, grew up in, were married in, planned to raise our family, grow old together, and die in. She doesn't seem too bothered by that fact, which I fear points to an outcome that will only embolden her current self destructive behavior.

One funny thing I learned this week is that this old/new boyfriend is so charming, so attractive, so persuasive, that even the fact that he was living out of his car didn't dissuade my wife from leaving her children and husband to chase this incredible hunk-o-manhood. In fact, this guy is so awesome that he believes he has super powers which come from the demons who surround him and that he'll vanquish evil in the world by the direction of Satan, who speaks to him in his dreams. And no, I'm not making this up. I don't know whether to be insulted, mortified and embarrassed for her, or to laugh my rear end completely off the hind end of my body...

So the hope I've lost is that in which my family had any chance of being restored in the same configuration. My wife wants the freedom to go off and do whatever for as long as she feels the itch and then, if she feels so inclined, she says of course she'd like to see if we can 'make it work' at that point. Like she's been trying to make it work for the last 18 months? Somehow I don't feel too convinced that I should hang around, waiting for her to head back home.

Here's the thing though; my faith is intact. Faith in God, faith in marriage, faith in my children and the multitude of blessings they bring into my life every single day. My wife may have chosen to reject these things, but I have not. As I deal with all of this I'm having good days and bad. I have incredible friends and relatives who have offered me stellar advice, support, insight, and direction when I'm about to lose my own. If I'm keeping a sane head at all it has much to do with God and these beautiful blessings He's put into my life in the form of people who care for me and my children. I may be having trials, but I have not been left to face them on my own. My title was wrong. I do have hope. Not in my wife, but in my life, and in that God who knows its beginning, its end, and all of the days in-between.

I am blessed beyond measure.


Sarah Waddington said...

D'you know, the more I read this thing, and the more you share with us, the more I can't fathom what on earth is going on in your wife's head to do what she has done. Leaving aside the fact that she has left you for a moment, I can't understand a mother being so happy to abandon her kids, and not to want to be around for big milestones like the first day of school.

Then theres you. Words fail me, quite honestly. She doesn't deserve you, you do know that, right? You don't just get to take someones heart and soul, stamp all over them, wipe your butt on them, tear them up, and hand them back. Not cool, not cool at all.

You are an amazing person, and you'll be just fine, I have faith that this will be the case. Keep listening to the spirit, its doing an immense job in guiding you. You can't do anything about what your wife chooses to do, but you do have a choice from here on in about how you are going to let those choices dictate your life, and that of your children.

I will continue to look in on you, and make sure you're OK. It will get easier, trust me. Oh, and those memories you and the boys are creating? Brilliant. Create good memories to displace the bad. In years to come when Joseph talks of his first day of school, what do you think he'll remember? The fact his mother couldn't be arsed, or the gig you guys went to? Take it from one who knows, It'll be the concert, that I am certain of :)

Anonymous said...

>he believes he has super powers which come from the demons who surround him and that he'll vanquish evil in the world by the direction of Satan, who speaks to him in his dreams

And this fellow isn't in a mental institution?

Old Man C said...

>And this fellow isn't in a mental institution?

No, he's with my wife! That's the part I don't understand because that information came from her once she broke it off with him last year. I guess none of that mattered to her four months later when she picked things back up with him. Not sure I'll ever understand that one...

Sara said...

Seriously G, you rock. So glad to know you. She doesn't deserve you. Raise those boys right, just the way you have been doing.