Monday was an interesting day. I drove up to SLC with the boys and met their mother at work to sign our divorce mediation agreement. This framework will dictate how the divorce papers are drawn up and filed, so other than a judge somewhere signing off on them, it's basically done. I'm happy about it and mad at the same time. After coming to understand the extent to which my wife has been cheating and covering it up, and after hearing her assurances that she wasn't, I decided that the best thing for our boys was to insist on her granting me full legal and physical custody so that I might have a chance of shielding these babies from the choices and lifestyle my wife has chosen to pursue. She will have the normal visitation schedule granted here in Utah so it's not foolproof (and of course I don't think it would be fair to the boys to cut them off completely from their mother), but I think it was the best I could have hoped for under the circumstances. She also agreed to some specific prohibitions (no overnight 'guests', no overnights for the boys if she decides to cohabitate with a guy, no exposure to the two guys she's with now, etc).
Everyone I've told about the agreement is shocked. They ask, "How does a mother give up her kids so easily?" Our mediation lasted all of three hours from start to finish. There was no argument. I don't know whether my wife gave in to shut me up or whether she just doesn't want to bother with the work it takes being responsible for two kids 24/7. She's got other plans, so I fear this is the true reason. I also fear she'll wake up one of these days and realize what she's done and it won't be a pretty day for her.
Our older boy is beside himself tonight. The boys had their first evening visitation this week and will be going for the weekend as well. He doesn't want to go. He's OK with hanging out for a few hours but he keeps insisting he's not sleeping anywhere but his own bed. How do I now play the bad guy and tell him he has no choice in the matter? I'm over my wife leaving. After what she's admitted doing (at least to me and with a smile), I say good riddance, but I HATE seeing my son with watery eyes, trying to make sense of the absolute clusterfark of a family life we've now thrown him into. He doesn't deserve this. His brother doesn't deserve this. And this is the thing that will make forgiveness the hardest task I've ever been charged with doing. I don't want to forgive. I want to take her by the shoulders and slap the stupid right out of her. She's smugly gloating to me about sleeping with two guys before we're even divorced and doesn't seem to care one whit that her children are suffering for it.
This is the hardest part of the whole thing...