Saturday, August 7, 2010

Ever Feel Like You're Living in an Alternate Universe?

So here's the deal. My wife had an affair last year which I discovered in late April or early May. After a harrowing week or so she decided to come home, cut the crap, and be my wife. We reconciled, continued to see a marriage counselor, and proceeded to have the best three or four months of our marriage. Really, I felt closer to her during those months than I had through the eight years leading up to that point. She seemed more open and loving, and it was a great summer. Then Fall rolled around.

Rather quickly, those nagging feelings came flooding in that something wasn't right with us. I was pretty sure that more went on in the affair than she'd ever admitted to, but she was very insistent so I'd dropped it and left that part to the Lord. That worked while my wife seemed genuinely interested in celebrating our marriage and family. Then her former attitudes and outlook started to return and I began to feel like we were on that path to ruin once again. She had started a new job and dismissed out of hand any concerns I had, saying I needed to give her room to settle in at work and stop being so jealous. She commented on my being so 'unforgiving', and warned me that that alone would ruin our marriage because she had changed and was dedicated to making it work, "You'll never get rid of me, George, I love you and will stick by you for eternity!"

I remember a few counseling sessions where the counselor told me I needed to let my anger and suspicion go, that the Spirit would let me know if my wife was straying again. I felt a great deal of guilt because I couldn't let it go. I had that Summer and it felt great, but now something felt different and I couldn't place it other than to think that I was an unforgiving bastard who couldn't see the good things I had. My wife was sure to remind me of that any time I expressed concern...

So, jump forward to yesterday. We had an appointment an hour away and we drove together. On the way home we discussed some issues and she finally admitted to me that she had begun sexual affairs with both guys she's involved with now (one being the guy from last year). She also, with much prodding, put an approximate date on when she re-established contact with the first affair. Last Fall. Shortly after beginning that new job.

Seems the Spirit was telling me all along, I was just too caught up in trying to 'do my part' to realize my wife had blown hers off already. LONG before I found out about the recent stuff. You could say I'm a little miffed at that. But mostly I'm disappointed that the kind, beautiful daughter of God I fell in love with, the mother of our children, feels more comfortable now betraying all those things for temporary, worldly pleasures. My marriage was over last year and I didn't even know it.


Evon said...

George what a great example you are to your boys and the rest of us. Forgiving a spouse for having an affair is not an easy task. Most of society would say, “walk away” and would immediately replaced love for that person with anger and hatred. You stayed committed to your beliefs, covenants and your family. Your boys when they are old enough to understand will commend you and look up to you for your valiant effort. Your example reminds me to try a little harder everyday – Thank you!

Old Man C said...

Thank you Evon, but I have to admit it wasn't me then and it isn't me now. The anger I felt was literally taken from my heart last year and it's been taken once again. The gifts of the Spirit that I've had over the years have never been showy ones, but I have felt them very deeply when they've rested upon me like this has. I feel the way I do because the Lord has blessed me to do so. I wish I could say it's made all the pain go away this time but it hasn't. What I'm feeling now is even deeper and more acute than the anger I felt. I'm now feeling sorrow for all that my wife gave up and for all that means to us as a family as well. When I consider what she's going through now, my heart hurts even more. She's aware of what she gave up and what lies ahead. Whatever Spirit she still has the capacity to feel will most likely be taken after her disciplinary counsel and I don't know that she'll have strength left to endure it. If I could take it myself I would. I only hope the Savior, in His mercy, will be able to succor her in some way as she goes through the steps of repentance. I'll be praying for that outcome for as long as it takes.